Home euthanasia in a pandemic

I hear stirring on the deck. Matthew is carefully lifting Rose up, wrapped in her blankets. He brings her to the car and lays her on the gurney. Normally, I would help, but COVID renders me useless. Resting a hand on Roses’s head, he says to me without turning, “you’re an angel.”

For the briefest second, I entertain saying “tell my kids that.” Angel is not a word I think I’ve EVER been called, not in 41 years. I am many things, but angelic is not one of them. Still, I am honored that they see me as such.

Let’s be candid for a moment

It’s ok that I’m not perfectly patient and understanding and sympathetic every minute. Even if Hazel does have cancer. It’s ok that I’m angry on the inside and stressed and didn’t want to play Go Fish. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.

#indoorsy, also called enjoying what I can when the world is out of control

Caveat: I am extremely privileged to have savings and a cushion while I am unable to work. While I am stressed about not being at my job, I recognize that many of my friends and family are going to be struggling mightily during this time, as they cannot work. This post is in no wayContinue reading “#indoorsy, also called enjoying what I can when the world is out of control”

The bubble

Recently, I’ve constantly thought about control. It’s an illusion. We have absolutely none. My son died and taught me that. My daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and reminded me. COVID19 shuts down the world, and I scream “OK I GET IT, UNIVERSE! NO CONTROL!” Most of the time, I am able to hold the knowledgeContinue reading “The bubble”